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i admit, i can be hypersensitive sometimes. lately i've been annoyed and hypersensitive. maybe it is because it is summer time, so people are in the mentality of hanging out under the hot sun.
i've been told several times lately that stella and sofia have wonderful tans. this comes mostly from strangers. my reaction is to stare blankly, say thank you, then walk away. i'm always soooooooo mad that i say thank you.
our nanny encountered the exact same thing and was offended as well. she handled it better. she said, they don't have a tan, their father is latin....and by the way i am the nanny not the grandmother.
sofia asks me, what is a tan? i can handle that question. sofia asks me why most of her friends have a white face and she has a brown face. i can handle that question too. she's curious, i'm ready.
this has thrown me for a loop, and maybe it is petty but i am seeking something else to say other than, thank you. so after a light discussion at happy hour yesterday, i've got it:
stranger: your children have a beautiful tan.
denise: you should see their father! and, he even speaks spanish.
okay, so there is a good chance i won't do it. i'm too passive and too nice. i wish i could though...
here is another option that came up during happy hour:
stranger: your children have a beautiful tan.
denise: thank you. it's the dallas way, tanning beds at age 3 and boob job at age 6.
i've been told several times lately that stella and sofia have wonderful tans. this comes mostly from strangers. my reaction is to stare blankly, say thank you, then walk away. i'm always soooooooo mad that i say thank you.
our nanny encountered the exact same thing and was offended as well. she handled it better. she said, they don't have a tan, their father is latin....and by the way i am the nanny not the grandmother.
sofia asks me, what is a tan? i can handle that question. sofia asks me why most of her friends have a white face and she has a brown face. i can handle that question too. she's curious, i'm ready.
this has thrown me for a loop, and maybe it is petty but i am seeking something else to say other than, thank you. so after a light discussion at happy hour yesterday, i've got it:
stranger: your children have a beautiful tan.
denise: you should see their father! and, he even speaks spanish.
okay, so there is a good chance i won't do it. i'm too passive and too nice. i wish i could though...
here is another option that came up during happy hour:
stranger: your children have a beautiful tan.
denise: thank you. it's the dallas way, tanning beds at age 3 and boob job at age 6.
13 comments:
May I suggest: "Thanks, but fortunately for my daughers, that beautiful skin color comes without tanning which is so lucky since they're less likely to have skin damage." I'd like to add, "you twit" to the end of that line, but it defeats the purpose. I can only imagine how this must feel, but, obviously, teaching your girls how to handle human stupidity with grace will be a great life lesson.
Some years ago, a latin/black guy said to me, "you are so pale white." I countered with, that's the color I was born with. I suppose I could get a tan, but that causes early aging, so I'm trading one vanity for another." He had not further comment.
Good luck with this. I know you have the strength and kindness to handle this and pass on your wisdom and fortitude to you girls.
p.s. What is the "counter" under blog titles? The last new post?
Love your last rendition!
Stranger: strange + r...i guess the r must be short for "aarrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!! is that how that word came to be?
Ok, ok. I don't even know were to start with this.....I have issues with the word bi-racial or anything that uses the word "race" specially when referring to my daughters. Yes, there mother is American and I am Honduran. But this country has huge issues with race and "classifying" my daughters into one of them just brings attention to something that at the end of the day is insignificant. There is so much more behind race but a lot of people are myopic and cannot see it. There's another culture just as old and rich as the American culture that my daughters are lucky to have. If there was a word like bi-cultural I would feel better about using that, using the word bi-racial is too narrow in scope.
As far as what to respond to people the best advise I can give you is to say nothing. Since college I have realized how obsessed people here are with race and I quickly learned to disassociate myself from that. I learn not to take offense when people call me Mexican, how can I be offended by someones ignorance. When people makes comments like "your children are so tan" they do it mostly out of ignorance and/or tunnel vision.
I have to admit that Nanny nailed it though. She said the key word, her father is Latin. Bringing the culture to play.
gustavo - good point with bi-cultural. it is a word, but it isn't an option on the scantron.
having said that, this blog should not serve as a platform for you. start your own blog....free training available.
It's a shame that in 2008 we are still dealing with issues of race and, specifically, bi-racial couples & children. There will be a day, I believe, when race (and, really we are talking about color here...those that are ignorant to mention Sofia & Stella having a "tan" are commenting on color.) will become so muddled that no one will know who is what color or what race. I hope so anyway.
I really don't have any advice about what you should say. I think you can shut someone up sometimes and make them eat crow by simply stating the obvious. "They are actually half Honduran." End of story. No need to thank someone when it only makes you mad. Being frank isn't being bitchy or defensive...it's just being obvious. I think that might cause someone making an ignorant statement to stop and think. If nothing else, it will shut them up.
Do you remember when we were at the Grove (before we got so sick...ugh) and a woman asked if Lucy was friendly? I said yes and her response was, "well she doesn't look it." I said right back, "I don't think that's true at all...." and she began to stutter and say that no, in fact, she did look nice and blah, blah, blah. And when we saw she and her children later they all said (her voice the loudest) "BYE LUUUUUUCY." I wasn't mean to that woman...I just told her what I thought. She made a snap judgement and I corrected her. I think you should try it next time. You don't have to be rude or feel badly about saying something snappish...just state the truth. It speaks volumes and, honestly, it feels good to set the record straight.
Having said all that...I love your family. I think it's fantastic and something to be proud of. I wish I lived in a community where more races and cultures were represented. I struggle daily knowing that Wil is probably going to go to a school where all the kids are white and middle-class. It's not the way the world works and I don't want him to think so. I will work hard to make sure he knows the difference.
I love you and know this can be difficult. Be you...strong, independent, proud and kind...and you'll say the right thing every time.
people are stupid, d. they probably make comments like that because the girls look so latin and they hope you'll explain how they ended up with you. who knows. it's an idiotic thing to say whatever the reasoning.
if i accomplish nothing else as a mother, i hope to raise my boys completely color blind. i think my folks did a great job of that (for the most part), and i intend to pass along that legacy through my family.
i agree with betsy that we are (hopefully) moving toward one big hot mess of a blended race...or color...or whatever you want to call it. at some point, maybe this whole discussion will be moot. but i totally understand your frustration - because it doesn't matter. it doesn't matter what color your skin is or girls' skin is or gustavo's skin is...it's all so superficial. and if that's all people can see, then they don't get to comment at all.
Denise, here's some perspective from great ole Lamesa: my daughter is adopted. We know the birthmother...know her background, her race, everything. She told us of the birthfather's information. My daughter has beautiful olive skin as did her birthmother. Here in Lamesa...because she is naturally dark, it has astounded me the people in my own family and some of my friends who have taken me to task on her race!
The first time--I was dumbfounded. I thought, what does it matter? Then, I was like, why are you questioning me like I am a felon?
I prayed about it some...and have just played it by ear the next couple of times. I finally told a real gem of a family member: look, first of all...it doesn't matter to me what her race is...she's mine. She's loved. That's it. Second, she has Indian and Italian in her blood for certain. Third, my husband is as "white" as they come...and you've never questioned him why he is as dark as he is...or quite frankly why he's darker than most of the Hispanics in this town in the summer? So why do you feel the need to question me on my daughter's race? Does it matter to you?
That finally made them stop.
When I saw your blog post, it brought up some feelings for me. I don't want to raise her thinking that anyone is better than anyone else. I want her to be proud of her skin (goodness knows, I'd love to have naturally darker skin!) I think Betsey's suggestion to state the fact back to the person without being rude is a good one. Of course, I'm learning the hard way that the mama tiger can come out without warning when it comes to my child.
Thanks for the thought provoker!
Kristi
You could simply say, "Thank You, I wish I had her/their complexion."
I have to say I don't have that exact same problem, but I do get pretty annoyed when people tell me Charlie doesn't look anything like me.
Seriously? Why would people say tan in reference to a CHILD?
Obviously they look Latin. I would just say "My husband is Latin."
And under my breath say, "duuuuhh".
test
What is wrong with this?
Stranger: Your girls have such a pretty tan.
LB: thanks --it is really natural--their Dad is Latin
I agree with Gustavo!
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